[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today