I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*launders Kohls cash*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
💁🏻♂️
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald