maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?