this is the most humiliating day of my life
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due