“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds