My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
time for some seasonal decor
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller