amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
You Might Also Like
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
what the
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint