I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain