We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
🛁
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?