Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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WWE is French for “yes”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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Expectations vs. Reality
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog