if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.