I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Simple enough.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me