I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife