I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
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THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up