My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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It’s Dublin.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
August 8