2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies