interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Dear Lord..
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Haha good job!!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur