Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
They did not think through this water fountain
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.