He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You Might Also Like
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.