Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday