I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
🤔😂😂
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.