My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125