Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Try and stop me.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app