Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.