The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
You Might Also Like
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Just me?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how