I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality