There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
☺️
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
get you a girl who
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.