What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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Tuesday
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.