Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.