I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.