Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?