I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Sell your car
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
😂😂
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.