they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
the composer
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I was bored.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea