If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
You Might Also Like
Netflix and scream at our children?!
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I mean…but I did
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The answer is funnier than the question
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.