You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”