A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Not even remotely sorry.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?