yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Sounds like a bargain
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it