Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
You Might Also Like
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
first you must answer his riddles
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.