Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH