I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
You Might Also Like
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Can’t. Being lazy.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no