growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
pictures of spider-man
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies