Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard