“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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he was correct
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls