computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
so much to do
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.