“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Word!
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand