I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.