*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The Others (2001)
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!