I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕