Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”