I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.